margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
