Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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