I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
