you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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