Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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