i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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