Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
