I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
