Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I looked at my own cervix.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
