I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
