she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
