I molested 6 butterflies tonight
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
