you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
