i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
