history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We don't watch enough power rangers
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
