I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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