I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
