I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
