the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We have started to decorate penises.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
