My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
