Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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