just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
