Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
cat food counts as protein by the way
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
