Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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