you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
