i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
my vag is so smooth its legendary
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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