ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have feelings that need drinking.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
