Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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