she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
