K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I did not marry a roomba.
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