2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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