Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
