Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
