It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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