Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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