you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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