I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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