we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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