i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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