there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
