my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
