Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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