It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
