Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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