I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
