i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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