If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
