rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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