I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
