Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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