I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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