These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
